Standing on my own from now on...

Since last week, I wasn't really in the good mood to do anything because... the ones who supported you for years have finally turn their back on you and no longer will support the things you do. It was a major down for me that time... I couldn't do anything just by their words that could defeat me in a single blow.

Of course, I did mention before in my Facebook that no one can dragging me even they tried their best to knock me down because they're different people who hates the things I do and I just simply ignore them. But this... this is your own flesh and blood, the ones who gave you birth, the ones you helped you and guide you through your life. I never thought it can come to this...

There's so many things I wrote on my status and I nearly forgot of how long I wrote for one status. Here, this is my list of statuses that I write, some of them are after I visit certain place or doing certain things. Hope you enjoy reading my story that was happening to me last week and what I'm doing after that...

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I feel like I'm no longer having hopes of making 3D animations stuff anymore because the ones who supported me have suddenly said "it got no future", "no profit" where I've tried to find one and then said I'm dreaming too much.

So that means what I'm doing here isn't real, then? All of them is just a dream? Like I'm cosplaying before. Was that a dream too? Not real? If that so, then maybe I should do nothing by now because what all I'm doing here... is just a bunch of hallucinations and dreams that won't become a reality.

Maybe I should just quit, really.

~ Friday. March 7th, 2014. 7:08 PM.

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Silent crying at the moment.

~ Friday. March 7th, 2014. 7:29 PM.

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This is my first time feeling down...
One more voice from them and I might not gonna talk with anyone in real life except typing things what I have in my brain here on FB. Just wanna go silence, like as if I can't talk anymore. I do wanna talk with my toys or the walls though. But talking with them is quite useless if they're beating me through their words.

Yes, I did said I can stand on my own ground, but the ones can defeat me was the ones who supported me before. Now I'm just another useless human being with no goals in his life. Maybe I should go and live in the asylum, that way I can be a psycho person if that's they want.

~ Friday. March 7th, 2014. 9:07 PM.

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Looks like I'll be doing things myself then. But I don't know if I could stand my ground or be strong once more because the ones who supported me is no longer supporting me and yet they turn their tables on me. I don't know if I'm in the mood to make those 3D stuff anymore.

~ Friday. March 7th, 2014. 10:35 PM.

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Maybe I shouldn't do 3D stuff anymore due to the things they've said. If it comes from the mouth of someone else, yeah I'll just ignore them and continue working on the things I wanna do.

Maybe around this September, I won't be fully active on Facebook or websites I used to. With these words, I would not forget and will stick it in my head for reminding myself everyday and every night.

Truthfully, nobody can drag me and beat me with their negative words because to me, talking with them idiots makes me even more idiot than they are. But in this case... you can't. The ones who gives you the birth, the ones whom supported you... they've finally turn their tables and no longer supporting on the things I did. If that so, then why should I bother continue doing these useless craps I'm doing right now?

I've been searching the sites day and night, trying to find places that could get me paid. I'm not just doing 3D stuff but I'm also doing a small voice acting too. BTW, speaking of voice acting, I did try to visit to this one music school in Kiulap where the fee is about $180 because it's a full package and I was planning to go there and if it's not this year, probably next year or so.

Back to the topic; I did try to find them everywhere, but their patience are gone too quick. They can't stand a day either. You've been given 12 hours to get the money at your own hand from your creations, through 3D and voice acting. How the hell do I find the money THAT easily? There's no way you can get paid on the spot by selling your voice for 15 seconds or making a 3D model for 30 seconds unless it's very basic. If there is, then I would've make more and more stuff as much as I can 24-hours nonstop!

Now, I got no hopes left in me. Although I thanked and appreciate some of the comments left on my status, I really thank you for that. But really, I hope those are true and applied to me that's real. Unfortunately, those words doesn't seems to love me but instead, it's getting farther and farther away from my mind. Now I got nothing else to do. I don't have any mood to do anything from now on. Just watching random videos on YouTube or play Flash games or something that keeps me company.

I guess it's all over now. I'll just sit here and do nothing. I think that's a good decision for me... maybe.

~ Saturday. March 8th, 2014. 4:48 AM.

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One day, if I'm completely losing my faith on this life I have right now, I would end up like this dude... but unfortunately, the strings on that iPod isn't strong enough to hold heavyweights like me. I should find a stronger rope if I want to.

~ Saturday. March 8th, 2014. 5:58 AM.

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Still thinking about what happened yesterday. Couldn't get it off from my mind. I still not sure what I'm suppose to do. I feel like there's nothing left in me. When they told me what I'm doing is just a dream, all of the memories that I wanna do... are crushed to bits. I don't have any hopes for this.

~ Saturday. March 8th, 2014. 4:39 PM.

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If I'm at Parking Bertingkat (Parking Lot) at BSB right now, maybe that's where my story ends.

~ Saturday. March 8th, 2014. 7:00 PM.

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I created this TS2 "art" after they told me that everything I do is useless. I was really feeling down that time for like, I don't know, a week or so.

I felt useless and regretting on the things I've done for the past 2 and a half years. They've supported me. They've supported me on my work, my creations, my creativity. That is, until they decided to turn their back on me and removing the stand off from my feet on purpose just for me to fall down on the deepest and darkest pit of my life.

I almost wanted to commit suicide and I wanted to. One day, I went to the Parking Lot at Bandar and I was at the top floor, walking towards the edge of the building so that I can jump to my death, but as I walking halfway through the building, my legs stopped and turned around by themselves... because something in my head tells me and whispered in my ears... "Don't".

Then I try to find this one stuff that could kill me instantly by drinking it. I took the bottle, pour it in the glass and ready to drink... but as I was about to pour the bottle into the glass, that same voice in my head tells me again... "Don't".

Finally, I try to find a rope the other day and I looked at the fan ceiling and say, "What if I tie this rope onto the fan ceiling and the other end would be on my neck?" So I was about to tie the rope onto the fan, but little did I know, I was just laying down on my bed, looking upward and staring at the spinning fan, holding my rope tightly. That voice again came back into my head and said the same word... "Don't".

That's where I decided that... I should try to stand on my own once more, but this time, there's no one to support me. Right now, I'm trying to help myself up and try to create a path... my own path.

So I end up spending my time continuing my TS2 projects which was left for almost 3 years now... and I decided to make this one TS2 fan-art -- let's just call it that way -- based on my life stories. I shall call this TS2 art as...

..."REGRET".

~ Sunday. March 16th, 2014. 3:23 AM.